Dear, friend.
When I was a teenager I was allowed to shower with the blind girls. I was responsible for shaving them and keeping soap out of their eyes.
Right now Brooklyn has 400 of my kids in it. You can know you’re my kid if you aren’t a pig fucker.
If you are my kid you want the rockets and the blacks and the bang-bang nights.
Here is a list of well-known women I knew to have had nipple pubis:
- Gina Davis.
- Shelly Winters.
- Fred Astaire.
One day Johnny Depp flew over my house. He was naked and he was peeing and I yelled up at him, “You’re just like me! HA HA!”
I got on the internet one day and I found a picture of myself with a cock in my mouth. Some people were like,
“Why’d you suck a cock?”
And I was all like, “I didn’t know what to order until I spent a day in a kitchen.”
If I were God here are the changes I would change:
- Movies would quit being made.
- Women would be really a lot bigger.
- Time would quit fucking me like a pig.
Anytime I sit down to eat I unzip my pants, just in case there’s a person under the table who might not have fingers.
Yeah, I hung out with the blacks. One night, I took every black person out for a ride on my motorcycle. I bought bottle rockets for every black person and we went to see that movie with Johnny Depp where he flies over houses and pisses on America. We all laughed and shot the rockets at the screen.
I have had every j available.
- B.J.
- H.J.
- V.J.
- A.J.
- Arm.J.
- Knee.J.
- Hair.J.
- Lid.J.
- Shit.J.
- Dog.J.
- Man.J.
- Deadthing J.
- Spaghetti J.
I love Native Americans. One day when I was a teenager,
After toweling off the girls, I met an Indian tribe outside of Chicago. I fell in love with a native girl named “Ten White Devils.” Her dad showed me that humans can never get clean and I quit the blind-girl-washing job.
One day I suspected that a monster was watching me when I slept. At dark I sprinkled the yard with sandwiches laced with roofies. And I ate those sandwiches. The monster was caught!
I told Katherine Hepburn that she had dick skin all over her body, that her skin was the texture of a man’s penis.
She nodded in her way that could also be saying no.
And one time I was talking to that motherfucker Cary Grant.
He was squinting at me, trying to act like he couldn’t understand me, squinting, peering out of his two fudge-cutters. So I said, “Cary, do you know what I mean?”
And he said, “I do if you are trying to say that you want to get all the black people in America to watch a movie with you. But that really couldn’t happen, Marlon.”
Well, I guess I showed him.
When the reaper showed himself to me I heard wind. And my hair went crazy. And I fluttered my eyes. At first I felt like the universe was expanding a close up, but in fact, it was me who was pulling way back.
